Governor Rick Perry was sweating profusely. He had just been transported back in time millions of years by the ghost of Charles Darwin. He had barely escaped becoming an h'ordeuvre for a Tyrannosaurus Rex. He now found himself stranded at the Florida Republican Debate site. Governor Perry tried to sneak backstage after the program in search of a quiet place to sit down, careful to avoid himself now eagerly pressing the flesh in front of the stage. "Damn that Darwin," thought Governor Perry, "he could have at least left me off back at the Peoria Hilton on Christmas Eve, 2011." Presently Governor Perry came to the Green Room. The rest of the Republican Presidential Candidates were starting to filter in. The rest of the candidates apparently didn't initially pick up on the fact that there were two Governor Rick Perrys roaming around the hall. However, Governor Mitt Romney did eye him with some suspicion. "Maybe it's the nightgown," thought Governor Perry.
In a far corner, among the throng of Tea Partiers, media representatives and assorted hangers-on, he noticed a large table with several very well-heeled and distinguished older men playing what appeared to be Texas Hold 'Em poker. "Maybe that will calm me down," thought Governor Perry, " a friendly little game of cards." Governor Perry approached the card game and was greeted warmly by the five men at the table. Something about the men seemed odd, thought Governor Rick Perry, all of the men wore old-timey outfits. Several had facial hair and severely outdated haircuts. "Now Rick Perry may not know much about some things," he thought to himself, "but Rick Perry knows haircuts." It didn't appear that the five men owned a decent blow dryer among them. A lot of greasy kid stuff. "Sit down and play with us," said one of the men. "I'm John D. Rockefeller. This is Jay Gould here on my right. Dealing the cards is none other than J.P Morgan. That's Cornelius Vanderbilt over on the other side of the table and beside him is Edward H. Harriman of Union Pacific fame." "Do you know how to play Texas Hold 'Em, Governor?" inquired Jay Gould. "Do I know how to play Texas Hold 'Em?" exclaimed Governor Perry, "why at Texas A&M, I spent most of my time playing Texas Hold 'Em." "Yes, I've seen your A & M transcript, Governor," said Edward H. Harriman with a wry smile. The five dead men all chuckled at that. "Are you guys my next spirit, or spirits?" asked Governor Perry. "No," said J.P. Morgan, "we just came up for the Republican Debate and thought we would say 'howdy' to the Republican Presidential Front Runner." "If you can get yourself elected, we'll be visiting you quite regularly in the Oval Office," said John D. Rockefeller. "We like to make sure that Republican Presidents stay on the right path," remarked Cornelius Vanderbilt. The men chuckled again.
After a few hands were played, each of the old time Robber Barons had won a pot. Governor Perry was almost out of matches. He now felt worse than he had after the Darwin spirit had left him stranded here in Florida in his nightgown. He thought he'd try to make conversation. "By the way, what do you guys think about the debate about teaching Intelligent Design along with Evolution?" The old dead white men all laughed out loud. "Why we could all care less about that," laughed Jay Gould. "All we care about is the money." "But we want you to go ahead and talk about that kind of stuff during the primaries and the election campaign," added J.P. Morgan. "Yes," said Harriman, "the common people get quite concerned about things like the teaching of Evolution, gay marriage, burning the flag, gun rights, that kind of stuff." "Keep harping on that little stuff." "The main thing is to keep taxes low on the rich," said Vanderbilt. "Yes, so we can create more jobs," said Harriman with a straight face, apparently quite serious. The five men looked at each other slyly for an instant. Then they all broke into uproarious laughter. "Yeah, my great-grandson needs a bigger yacht," said J.P. Morgan with a knowing smile. "I mean ... yes.... by all means, don't raise taxes, my great-grandson will create some new jobs." The men all laughed again. "Look, Perry," said J.P. Morgan, "you modern Republicans are doing a wonderful job" "We came up to encourage you people to keep up the good work." "Yes," intoned Edward H. Harriman, "they way you people are progressing, we'll be back to the Age of the Robber Barons in another few years." "I thought we agreed to call it the 'Gilded Age,' Harriman, " said an obviously annoyed Commodore Vanderbilt.. "Sorry," said Edward H. Harriman, "I forgot." "Absolutely," weighed in J.P Morgan, ignoring protocol, "we'll soon be back to just the Robber Barons and all the little people, the way God intended it." "Yes, you Tea Party Republicans have really gotten the ball rolling again," said Jay Gould, sipping some tea. The dead Robber Barons all smiled contentedly. After another minute or two, cigar smoke filled the room and Governor Perry could no longer see the assembled Robber Barons. He heard voices and laughter trailing off. "By the way Perry, if you happen to see that turncoat Franklin Roosevelt tonight," he faintly heard Jay Gould say, "tell him to go {expletive deleted} himself." Governor Perry heard the mocking laughter of the five Robber Barons growing progressively fainter in the distance.
Suddenly, Governor Perry awoke in his California King bed back at the Peoria Hilton. It took him a minute to get his bearings. "Ah," he sighed heavily after a moment, "it was all a dream." Governor Perry smoothed his burnt orange nightgown, adjusted the tassel on his Lone Star nightcap and slid back under the covers a relieved and contented man. He was truly exhausted and he needed to get some sleep before the morning round of campaigning. A few minutes later, the Governor was started awake by the clanking of more chains. He sat bolt upright in his bed. A uniformed Colonel Theodore Roosevelt sat at the end of the bed wiping his spectacles. "Good evening, Governor Perry," said a ghostly President Roosevelt, "what the hell have you people done to my Party?"
No comments:
Post a Comment